"That's like having a Mercedes and hanging little dice from the rearview mirror." -- Bill Lee, on the Red Sox installing a new electronic scoreboard in Fenway Park.

"My first edict if I were Commissioner of Baseball would be to get rid of the designated hitter, to bring back the 25-man roster, to get rid of Astroturf, maintain smaller ballparks and revamp quality old ballparks. I'd outlaw video instant replays. I'd outlaw mascots. I'd put organic foods in the stands. I would make cold, pasteurized beer mandatory from small breweries located near the ballparks -- no giant multinational breweries. I would bring back warm, roasted peanuts. Just the smell of grass and those warm, roasted peanuts should be enough to make people come to the park. I would just try to reduce it to an organic game; the way it used to be." -- Bill Lee

"My policy would be no guns; no butter. They'll both kill you. Tear down the defenses. Ted Williams will be my Secretary of Defense. He'd go out and tear down all defenses just like he did the Boudreau shift." -- Bill Lee, on what he'd do if he were President of the United States.

Bill Lee on Carl Yastrzemski: "He's a dull, boring potato farmer from Long Island who just happened to be a great ballplayer. But he was the worst dresser in organized baseball. He made Inspector Clouseau look like a candidate for Mr. Blackwell's list of best-dressed men. He had the same London Fog raincoat during his entire career. We'd throw it in trashcans all around the league, and somehow it mysteriously made its way back."

Bill Lee on pre-game habits: "I told [reporters] that I sprinkled marijuana on my organic buckwheat pancakes, and then when I ran my five miles to the ballpark, it made me impervious to the bus fumes. That's when [Baseball Comissioner] Bowie Kuhn took me off his Christmas list."

After the Red Sox lost Game Two of the 1975 World Series to even the Series at 1-1 with the Cincinnati Reds, starting pitcher Bill Lee was asked: "Bill, how would you characterize the World Series so far?" Reporters waited for fresh insights from the Red Sox Zen philosopher. His reply: "Tied."

When umpire Larry Barnett failed to make an interference call on hitter Ed Armbrister at home plate in a much-publicized incident that may have cost the Red Sox the '75 World Series, Bill Lee felt that Sox manager Darrell Johnson had not argued the call with sufficient vigor. "I'd have bitten Barnett's ear off," said Lee. "I'd have Van Goghed him!"

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